What Language Do You Speak?

I just got done reading the most wonderful book- The Five Love Languages- Singles Edition.

The first time I got introduced to the concept of the "love languages" was at Grace Community Church several years ago. The author of the book, Gary Chapman, is a counselor with over 30 years of experience who now hosts his own radio show and frequently speaks at conferences regarding the five love languages. Gary's original book focused on married couples, but after speaking with different groups of people, he found that the principles could be applied in all types of relationships- family, friends, work, and dating relationships. As a result, he wrote the Singles Edition.

Love languages are the different ways we express and receive love in our relationships. Dr. Chapman believes that there are only 5 fundamental love languages- words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch. Because we tend to express our love in our most fluent language, there is a chance that our message may not be reaching the intended recipient. Here is an excerpt from his book-

"Of the five love languages, each of us has a primary language. One of the five speaks more deeply to us emotionally to us than the other four. We can receive love through all five, but if we don't receive our primary love language, we will not feel loved even though the person is speaking the other four. However, if they speak our primary love language sufficiently, the other four provide icing on the cake."

"The problem is that, by nature, we tend to speak our own love language. That is, we express love to others in a language that would make us feel loved. But if this is not her or his primary love language, it will not mean to them what it would mean to us."

Here are a few of my favorite notes in the chapter on each language: (words in italics are my own)

1. Words of affirmation
-The choice to love is the choice to take initiative.
-Carefully examine the words you use (and how you say them) when talking with co-workers, peers, neighbors, parents, close friends, roommates, and the clerk checking you out at the grocery store.
-Mature love speaks kindly.
-If you have difficulty with this love language, try writing down things you want to say ahead of time.

2. Gifts
-The English word "gift" is from the Greek word "charis," which means "grace" or "undeserved gift."
-Gifts are powerful to some because they represent the emotional love that was communicated by the gift.
-The best way to learn this language is to keep a list somewhere of the little things others mention that they would like and/or need.
-As the saying goes, it's the thought that counts. Gifts don't have to be expensive to be meaningful.

3. Acts of Service
-"Serve one another out of love." -Galatians 5:13
-No matter what the career path, those who excel are those who serve.
-Service does not equal slavery. No one should ever be a doormat for another.
-If you are not sure what you could do to help someone, just ask!

4. Quality Time
-Quality time has to do with focused attention- it is not quality time if the other person does not receive your undivided attention.
-Simply spending time in a common pursuit can communicate love.
-Tips for becoming a sympathetic listener: 1) Maintain eye contact. 2) Don't engage in other activities while you are listening. 3) Listen for feelings. 4) Observe body language. 5) Refuse to interrupt. 6) Ask reflective questions. 7) Express understanding.

5. Physical Touch
-This does not only exist in romantic relationships- think more broad. High-fives, hugs, pats on the back, etc. Keep in mind that one person may prefer one over the other.
-Always seek the appropriate time, place, and manner in which to express affection. (Ex: it is almost never a good idea to touch someone when they are angry.)
-This one made me laugh... "explicit touches, such as a back rub or foot rub, demand your full attention." (HA! Sounds like someone I know....)

Click here to take an assessment to help identify your primary love language.

Learning how to speak another person's love language has the ability to transform your relationship with that individual. The process of identifying someone's love language takes time, but it is well worth the effort.

Hope you learned something- it's hard to describe the whole book in one post. After going over the five love languages, the author details how they apply to all relationships in your life. I've already started to notice ways in which I can express my appreciation to some of my co-workers for their support this year that may be more effective than just doing the same thing for everyone.

Dr. Chapman does this topic much more justice than I do- I *highly* recommend you take a closer look at it.